My Will: A Portrait of Love and Addiction

At what point does passion cross the border into addiction? When do our relationships with alcohol, drugs, work, food, sex, shopping, exercise or love become too much?

Following the fatal heroin overdose of her boyfriend when she was just twenty-four, Nicola spiralled into the depths of grief. Her way out from it was to examine, profoundly and meticulously, the mysterious forces of addiction and the emotional vulnerability from which they grow. In this laceratingly honest and clear-sighted memoir, Nicola takes us on a vivid journey through her heart and mind, and the development of her personal perspective on life. She delves into the relationship with her adored but alcoholic father and examines how it shaped the way she loved others.

My Will is not only a story of dependence, but also of the power of human connection – love, compassion, and intense care – and the roller-coaster ride of giving your all. It is a story of the human condition of fear, and of the struggle to let go of yourself to achieve acceptance. Nicola Vivian’s intimate and heartfelt writing draws you into her world, and gently encourages you to examine your own view of reality and recurring cycles of behaviour.

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‘A great journey — and so harrowing.’

Ruby Wax

‘A roller-coaster ride which kept me gripped: not only does Vivian find her own value as a writer of rare lyricism, fluency, and wisdom, but we her readers find our value too. Unputdownable.’ 

Rachel Kelly, writer, mental health campaigner and author of Sunday Times bestseller Black Rainbow: How Words Healed Me – My Journey through Depression

‘a roller-coaster ride which kept me gripped: not only does Vivian find her own value as a writer of rare lyricism, fluency, and wisdom, but we her readers find our value too. Unputdownable.’

Rachel Kelly, writer, mental campaigner and author of Sunday Times bestseller Black Rainbow: How Words Healed Me — My Journey Through Depression.

‘A triumphant combination of visceral emotion and powerful writing. Vivian approaches her subjects – addiction, grief and unconditional love – from many directions, creating a remarkable kind of literary cubism. Deeply moving, funny and shocking, I have not read anything quite like it.’ 

Bestselling novelist David Ambrose

‘A great journey – and so harrowing.’

Ruby Wax

‘A compelling account of addiction, its effects and consequences, told with considerable sympathy and vividly expressed … the father, the lover and the journey of the remarkable author will touch so many lives’

 Hugo Vickers

NICOLA VIVIAN was born in Kenya and moved to England as a small girl. Her early life was defined by the effects of addiction, and for comfort she turned to nature and the ethereal world. In spite of being a shy and solitary child she threw herself into the London scene of the eighties and subsumed by addiction spent much of her adulthood digging under its surface. She is now a writer, visual artist, and healer – and all three practices are informed by her connection to the natural world, humanity, and the intangible. She lives between London and Provence and champions emotional education for children and adults alike.